How did we get here?
Bitch...it’s May. How the fuck did we get to 2021? I haven’t had a sliver of free space in my brain to process 2020...the last time I wrote a #DEEPTHOT my campus was in a state of emergency - YIKES by Nicki Minaj was bangin’ and I had just bought a dog. I was fed up with the time space continuum and the fact that professors seem to operate outside of it. School continues to be business as usual and like usual - millions are getting left behind.
I took a break from the monotony of dog motherhood and being cooped up in the house to be a slave - I got a 9 to 5. Yeah I know, dumb bitch behavior. As the world wants us to think: I should be using my freetime to make money, stack paper, #grindszn. Call me Fall Out Boy - the mighty fell. I found myself running to the private restroom at my job saying things like ‘this will all be worth it,’; ‘I’ll be able to meet my needs,’ and all the other stupid shit you convince yourself to believe when you are making money for someone else for pennies on the dollar. The things you say to delude yourself out of thinking about how disrespected you feel on the daily, how little you know your administration feels about you, how little thanks you get for consistently saving the day. Oops, am I talking too loud? I couldn’t even think about doing fun shit - I had to work. Yeah...not doing that shit again.
What even is normal anyway?
My mantra since this shit began has been:
I can not control anyone’s actions but my own.
Being a survivor of abuse - you don't have a concept of normal. Getting called out of your name by someone you love IS normal. Putting hands on people in your family IS normal. Making yourself small for the betterment of the family...chile who tf said that shit was normal? Now take it to the internet: Whether at a protest, online forums, sneaking out past quari-curfew - everyone was so LOUD and WRONG. ‘The age of misinformation’ didn’t end..it got a Canva Pro subscription. Activist groups filled with elitists disguised as anarchists. Mutual aid funds embezzling money. Diversity, BIPOC, Access, and AAVE keep flying around on my timeline with messengers who don’t know the cashapp of any Black people. Y’all really tried to bully me into voting for Uncle Joe and KOONmala remember? The Western world continues to take shots at American policy makers instead of refocusing our energy on countries with little to no access to vaccinations for COVID - 19. What the fuck is happening? Fuck my trauma look at the world. What governments believe to be 'normal.' What community members find 'normal.' It was all too much to take in.
So I took a major step back in all aspects of my life.
I turned inward so as to focus on finishing my proposal (ya know my Doctoral degree) and I'm almost there. I rallied for my friends when needed, cared for some folks, sent money to causes I could, and shamed yt people into doing work. I did what I could - which is what I am going to continue to do.
I have not been processing my life as I used to. So many things have changed about it, I don't want to spend all of my time trying to comprehend and not on living. And I mean when, where, how are we supposed to process what's going on? There has been zero process time for the horrors of these past few years. I went from codependency - to addiction - to running from my problems - to blaming other people - to isolating myself - to having daily panic attacks - to be a codependent leaning/bird on the run type/narcissist baby ass bitch. And I just learned that I actually did all that shit THIS year. I expect things from myself that I can't do. My capacity to understand is there but my drive to push thru stopped. I have always heard folks say that things in your life start to "blur" together...years of monotony go by. In marriages you hate, avoiding people who care about you... yeah I've done that already. And then had to get UNdone from it. We put things off cause we don't have the time or the energy to deal with it but it just piles up. Getting undone is an intimate process. Surreal. It's wild to know the power you hold - to hurt people - change people's lives - be a fuck up - do fucked up shit. But we must embrace our capacity for evil as much as our capacity for good. Balance is key. I'm continuing to survive and trying to be happy. Keyword of 'try.' I am unlearning every fucking day. Re learning - refusing to accept certain truths - living in the world I want to live in. Unlearning is forever. Through the pandemic, partnerships, education, workshops, large moments in your life - you will have to learn you really ain't all that special. Shit really isn't about YOU. People are snakes - ask any fire sign...we constantly feel wronged. People have negative intentions for you - you are delusional about how close you are to people - you allow people to cross your boundaries - you sacrifice portions of yourself to make others happy.
Baby, that's not gone work.
Are you ready for a revolution?
I’ve found peace in keeping up with international revolutionaries, activists, students, and community members all pushing their messages. Sounding off around the world! The struggle is international - it’s nothing personal. Similar with my suicide attempts and being a survivor of abuse - I'm not alone. Everything I feel is for me. My experience is mine. But everyone else also has their own very real experiences. I am not the only person with emotions. Everyone is going through shit. You get to moments in life where you feel like things don't stop - no time to break - no time to understand. But the future is filled with intention. And bad bitchery. And crying.
Being neurotypical makes things so much harder. Being Black makes it nearly impossible. Being queer makes this dangerous. I am not supposed to be happy. Healing is not linear.
Unlearning for me looks like a full on breakdown...for 30 minutes. (Hey I used to spiral for days now I got it down to under 30 minutes shout out to my therapist). At first there is a slew of emotions: anger, confusion, doubt, anxiety, depression, jealousy...real ugly thoughts. I jot those thoughts down in my phone, write lyrics, take pictures, or hula hoop until my head slows down. I validate all that shit first. Damn, I felt that shit - it was wild - but we reach the end of this portion. Then I research, find others who are going through what I am and apply changes to my lifestyle. I have my counselor and core friends to hold me accountable to being accepting to change. I talk to myself, my ancestors, my community for guidance. I'm getting better at asking for help.
I remember my partner mentioning Octavia Butler's words that change is God. How I see it - We are capable of change - take the metaphor how you will.
It's ok Tay. Breathe. Do. Be. That is enough. Time to push through mama. Living as if the world can change. That’s the mission.