It’s like Bareback Mountain but without the gay sexual awakening.
Now if you know me you know that I am still unable to give up my love for all things One Direction since they parted ways in 2015 during my senior year of high school. Now my fave will always be Zayn but Harry Styles was my close second. So when Harry was accused of queer baiting I immediately grabbed my Captain SaveAHoe cape and pressed “Send Tweet.” Now as a caveat I want to be clear that human beings can not queer bait just like nonbinary people don’t owe you androgyny. Harry Styles does not have to be seen getting his butt blown or blowing butt to be seen as queer. There are no qualifying gay behaviors that we can hold up to someone to test their queerness - you’ll have to read the backstage fanfic like the rest of us.
With that being said, this movie is Y’ALL fault. The begging for Harry Styles to act gay in public has produced this annoying ass movie. Harry Styles’ agent said that these accusations with Oliva and Don’t Worry Darling are bringing down the gay vote and he needs to do something to bring us back. Are y’all fucking happy now? Now we have a tired ass twink love story with obvious plot twists that Amazon is going to use when tweeting “Pride happens all year round here.”
Now I won’t lie - I saw the handjob scene on Twitter and immediately ran to watch the movie. I mean take a look at my PornHub history and that’s really not a shocker…but the lackluster sex, blatant gay behavior, and poor attempts to even try to like not be gay in public was just too much. While Bareback Mountain had me anticipating the next secret meet-up everytime Harry and David relink up I was two seconds from calling the police myDAMNself. This movie drove me deeper into homophobia while also becoming my canonical movie for twinkdom. No White party in Ibiza or Tiger Island compares to this twink ass movie. So let’s get into it.
The Overall Plot
So there are three main characters - Tom, Patrick, and Marion. Tom is a policeman who falls in love with Marion, a schoolteacher but begins a passionate love affair with Patrick, a museum curator. The movie starts in the future as Tom and Marion take Patrick into their home as he reaches the end of his life. Tom is apprehensive about this and refuses to interact with Patrick shit even refuses to talk to him leaving Marion to act as his nurse. Patrick offers Marion his diary to give some context into what’s happened in his life that lead him back to them. As Marion cares for the ailing Patrick day-to-day she reads his diary incessantly to learn more and more about Patrick and as she soon learns, her own husband. The movie then illustrates the past - and shows us how we got here. Tom was already courting Marion by the time he met Patrick but that didn’t stop Tom from pursuing Patrick romantically. They makeout in secret, hold hands when no one is looking, and obviously have gay sex in any place they can find. Marion sees their relationship as oddly close as Patrick seems to tag along on everything they do but doesn’t suspect any gay activity for a few months. Word starts to go around that Patrick may be a homosexual which is illegal. Marion fears she will lose Tom to Patrick’s bussy so she does the most violent thing white women do - called the cops. Patrick is taken to the looney bin and she gets to live a lifeless marriage with her gay husband who hates her for like 50 years. Then Tom’s old sick ass pops up at the house and after getting some context Marion is like ‘bro we don’t like each other let’s just cut ties and you need to go fuck him cause you love him and he’s like exxxtra sad.” She leaves and the two oldies hold hands and cry.
The Twinkery of It All
Throughout the movie we are bombarded with super twink activity. Thin white men rubbing on each other and holding hands and shit but it also gives Brazzers? The sex scenes seem to be the center of this movie - as the twinks would have it no other way. But you can find better dialogue and action on the front page of PornHub. You can tell they are trying to satisfy all the folks wanting to see Harry Styles involved in explicitly gay acts. And once the post nut clarity hits - you close the computer or in this case change over to the Lego Movie. Now I love gay ass love regardless if it’s twinky or not. I love the initial hesitation of trying to figure out if someone is gay and then if they are gay for you. The awkwardness of trying to figure out PDA, the giggles that you let out when you snuggle up on one another for the first time, and especially the dates that are supposed to last hours but last for days on end. I wanted to leave this movie feeling thankful for being gay. I wanted to cry at the conditions older queers were subject to. Instead I was driven deeper into my internalized homophobia. I watched this movie with two other gay people and we legit fell asleep halfway through. The shots were semi beautiful and semi boring but overall it just felt very unrealistic. Only gay white people could be this forward with being gay while it’s illegal and not be hung in the village square. When I think of a movie like Moonlight I see that awkwardness, that intimacy, that closeness - it feels real. I wanted to cry I guess. And not from embarrassment.
Marion is Definitely a Bitch
They try to depict the wife as this forgotten about woman determined to not lose her family to the wickedness of homosexual activity. However, she just seems like a bitch. You get back at your husband and his lover by…sentencing them to a life in prison? Then when your husband’s lover is about to die you care for him for like a month? Marion what the fuck is that? You realize this man has no love for you after being stuck in a loveless marriage with you…and then you just leave? There is this scene where she confides in her friend about her frustration just for her friend to be like…girl I’m a faggot. She was gagged!! Marion you are in kahoots with every fag in town girl maybe look inwards. Like her gaydar can’t be that bad. She’s the heart of this story for whatever reason. She’s the reason that these two twinks couldn’t be together and she can’t even tell anyone this until 50 years after the fact as she’s leaving the house. She’s annoying as hell and a weak ass bitch. Just be a beard and sleep around like everyone else girl.
Just Watch Brokeback Girl or Moonlight or Porn
I mean…don’t watch this. Especially if you’re gay. I’ll probably watch this again out of hate or if I’m super drunk. Maybe.