brownies. constipation. a resurgence of anxiety. im awake. im hungover. at the point of life where things lose their shimmer. never as good as the first try. curating my life experience as I go. exploring my individual freedom at this point. open notes. closed notebooks. built up expectations broken down truths. feeling like im needing stasis. an individual experience.
who am I now?
I have bills I can’t afford.
People I owe with no way of how to pay.
And I feel like shit. I feel like an idiot for thinking this would turn out how I expected.
I hate that it always gets to this. Me - negative account with too many responsibilities.
I want to be able to give others a boost, some money, some exposure, some help...and it never seems to be that way for me. I can’t keep begging people for money or working at places that don’t deserve me for a check. I need a regular payment schedule - this shit is ridiculous.
I hate it here. I hate myself for getting into this. And I hate myself for letting it go this far. I want to sleep today. I want to duck off.
I don’t want to be seen, my shame will introduce me.
Haven’t eaten in days - no money for food. Don’t know how I will get to work - no money for gas. It’s been weeks like this and I’m afraid I’ll stay like this.
Constantly working, never satisfied, always looking for the next play.
I just want this to be over. I want to run. I need to hide.
I’d have everything I need. I wouldn’t need to ask any hu/man for anything. I wouldn’t need to lie anymore. I could relax. I’d just sit all day, maybe read a book, skinny dip. I just wish I could live on an island. That I could erase myself from the grid. Find a new life with a new start. No debt. No jobs. Just sitting.
I’m about to literally lie to get where and what I want. 2021 smells like LIES. And ignoring. And blocking.
I wish I could live on an island. And only leave when I wanted.