1.
Life is one big fucking joke. Irony to the damn max. So much to look forward to but all the bullshit in between.
Damn.
I hate days like this. I’ve already had two of them this week. I don’t like this. And I don’t want it to get worse.
Days like this.
Where I feel like I’m always on a precipice. Like it’s always just one decision - one yes - one ask away from being where I want to be. And yet it’s never that close. Never just right in my reach. It’s behind a dense ass mountain. It’s on the skinniest bridge in the widest cavern above the deepest sea trench.
Hoping for days like that.
I want a happy ending. I want a fairytale. I want to stop cancelling moments in my life because of my circumstance.
Do I really deserve days like this? And not like that?
I just feel like I deserve better than what I have. I wish I was dealt a few different cards. I wish things were different.
I wish.
2.
We were asked to write down our emergency contacts today in workshop and you’re the only person I trust enough to handle my affairs. I apologize for that. I don’t see you as my caretaker. I don’t want you to feel like you have to care for me. Only if you want to. I’d love it if you did. To be honest we’ve only known each other for a short while and I always imagined having more people in my life who want to take responsibility over me. Or a family who feels it’s their responsibility to care for me. I don’t want you to be overwhelmed with my decision. I never want you to feel like way I do. Alone and unwanted. You see it’s more of a suggestion than anything if you think about my ask. I guess I just need you until I find someone, anyone who wants to say “I’ll handle this.” If it helps, my therapist says I had to raise myself and to not feel bad about it. She helps me to understand. This is really fucked up but it is also freeing. I can make my own emergency contacts now. They change pretty often because most of my close friends are mentally ill and poor and taking me on just isn’t in the budget. I know it’s not in yours either. So I don’t actually plan on having anyone call you. I've never needed it. I’ve never created an emergency for other people. My Dad used to tell people he "never really needed to talk,” to me. Everything will just be fine. I’m fine. It’s fine. So it’s ok. You won’t actually need to be there for me. Unless you want to. I’d love it if you did.
3.
A sleepless night. Haven’t had one of these in a while.
What else is there to do but stare up and think? Watch pimple popping videos? Read a book? Get ahead on some work?
Rest is such a commodity. So many people tell me I deserve it but they do nothing to help me feel at peace. In fact the unrest about my rest makes me...tired.
QOTN: What have you done for me lately? Quickly.