I am TRASH
Updated: Nov 29, 2018
I like to pride myself on doing a lot of shit. Like, too much shit.
Naturally, I complain all the time about all the shit I have to do. A paper due on Wednesday, executive board meetings every evening, shuffling between events just to save face, and all the other irrelevant shenanigans in between. I am always tired, I eat terribly, but I always seem to find time for a stress nap. My bank account is always telling me oh baby fawk no but when I see some dope Air forces I immediately acquire the skill Black mothers have of "making a way out of no way". I swore off relationships and casual sex so that I could focus on my work but...i'm trash remember?
I started telling people about my dumpster-like qualities as an excuse to keep being terrible. Yeah, I know I'm eating four crispy tacos and cinnamon twists from Taco Bell at 3am, I'm TRASH. I know I said I was going to tell them to leave me alone but haha you thought, I'm TRASH they on the way to the house. And yes, I know that I said I was going to do my paper way before the last two hours I can turn it in but you already know what I'm about to say. All good things must come to an end, though. My trash qualities landed me in the worst depression of my life, forty-five pounds overweight, and stuck in a relationship that left the both of us unsatisfied. I was immensely unhappy with all aspects of my life and how I treated myself and everyone around me, but this is what being trash is supposed to be right? Shitty people live shitty lives I guess, so how can I change the inevitable? Matter of fact, why change the inevitable? These negative tendencies have been built up for the past twenty years, you can't stop this train of disappointment and sadness now. But, why not?
I began my search for inner peace or as I call my "Eat, Pray, Love" stage. The part of your life you transition to after you have decided enough is enough and killing yourself is more hassle than its worth. I went to my local Half-Price Books and walked straight to the spiritual/self-help section. When I looked at the top shelf, I saw Russel Brand, that British guy who was married to Katy Perry and played in a couple of movies. His book was called Recovery: Freedom from Our Addictions, and was advertised as a guide to recovering from all sorts of addictions, from the mouth of an addict who struggled with addictions to heroin, alcohol, sex, food, etc. To be honest, the first thing I thought was, so this is what he's doing now? Writing self-help books? From what I remember, he was pretty hilarious and I needed a good laugh. I can say hands down that this book walked me into my personal mental sanity. I literally felt like a different person after I read it. This was the first of many steps I took during my "Eat, Pray, Love" year to battle all of my addictions: sugary foods, attention, procrastinating, feeling like I always needed something to do to be worth something, and being so accepting of those I loved walking all over me. You see, we all have negative tendencies for a number of reasons. It's important to find those reasons, find the why.
I ate sugary foods to avoid issues that I did not feel like addressing (tension in my relationships, tackling a large task, addressing my depression, etc). Now, when daunted with something that will give me immense anxiety, I do breathing exercises . When I needed to procrastinate, it was really because I really did not believe I was intelligent. Now, I have to work actively to not let my depression get the best of me, and know that tomorrow can always be better than today. I was eating the way I was because I did not deem myself worthy of being happy. I changed the way I thought, I changed my negative tendencies, because I am TRASH. If I allow my negative tendencies to overtake my life then I really do not see the point of living. Being trash is natural, especially with how terrible this world is, it's easy to use so many things to cope. But I deserve happiness, I deserve to want to wake up, I deserve to live a life I am proud of, and so is everyone else. '
My mother and I had never had great communication. I love her, but we both really needed to learn to how to talk to one another. I knew this was a huge problem in my life and that I wanted her to be a part of my life. I want my kids to go to grandma's house, and I want her with me when I get my doctorate. I need my mother in my life, so things had to change. With a lot of talking (sometimes using our inside voices and sometimes not),we found middle ground. I relate to her, I appreciate all she has done for me, and I understand the unconditional love she has for her children. I finally have the relationship with her I have always wanted and that's because I recognized how trash of a communicator I was.
We are all trash in some way. It's inevitable. However, we can all recognize where we fall short, and how we can do better. You can't ever stay in the same place for a long time. Eventually shit gets old. If you let old shit weigh on you everyday you are going to live a long, upsetting, and angry life, and who wants that? Work on yourself. Pick up a book. Go to the gym, consistently. It really is in your own best interest.